What? You Don’t Love Your Mother-In-Law?


 This is how it begins: Your guy
pops the question and tells you that his family is just going to love you,
especially his mom. You’re the daughter she never had. You assume that means
she’s going to be supersupportive of all your choices, will offer help when you
ask for it, but otherwise, stay out of your life and marriage. How perfect.
Meanwhile, his mom has a
fantasy of her own. She assumes that since you’re so crazy about her son, you
see her as an authority on marriage and children—and her son. Of course you’ll
want lots of advice from her because you want to be just like her. She can’t
wait to start “helping.”
Call it the clash of the
fantasy lives. The result: 60 percent of women use words likes
“strained,” “infuriating” and “simply awful” to
describe their mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.
Check this out…., a lot of
daughters-in-law assume that no matter how modern their mothers-in-law are,
they are judging them based on the standards of traditional housewives: the
ability to keep a clean house, be a good cook, and raise respectful children.
At the same time, mothers-in-law often interpret the decisions of their
daughters-in-law to do things differently as a rejection of their own choices.
Daughters-in-law assume that as a fellow woman, their mother-in-law will be
their ally when they disagree with their husband. But guess what? Her role as
his mom trumps the call to sisterhood.
It’s the disappointment felt by
both women that “gives these relationships their distinctive negative
charge, add to that, a mother’s conflicted feelings of pride and loss as a son
marries; a wife’s insecurity that she’s adequately balancing work and home
responsibilities, and the tendency of most women to be more sensitive to
slights and criticisms than men, and you have the formula for years of trouble
“Each is the primary woman in her primary family. As each tries to
establish or protect her status, each feels threatened by the other.”
And what does the son/husband
do to ease the tension? Typically, not much, Men tend to ignore, or are
oblivious to, the little digs and disses that pass between their mothers and
wives, and don’t want to get involved. “Daughters are better at reassuring
their fathers that they are still their darling little daughter and will
sustain that role, even as their lives change and they draw new boundaries.
Sons are not as good at reassuring their mothers that they will continue to
have a role in their lives or confronting her and saying new boundaries are
needed. If they fail to do that, the negative conflict is played out between
the women.”
These tensions do more than
cause friction within families. They can put even the best marriages at risk.
An Italian study, for instance, done by the National Statistics Institute, found
that the odds that a marriage will last increase with every hundred yards that
couples put between themselves and their in-laws
troubles can also increase stress, and even impact health. The most extreme
cases may be seen in cultures where newly married couples are expected to move
in with the husband’s family and the bride is expected to be submissive to her
 Good News, every wife will find out soonest how
wrong they have been because years later, after raising her own children and
seeing them marry, she had to make the “very difficult” transition to
being a mother-in-law herself. She’ll be very aware how important the
relationship with your children remains throughout your life, no matter how old
or independent your child is,” she says. Wives will also see that as much
as the newcomers enrich our family and are crucial to my children’s well-being
and the continuity of our family, they still get concerned about what’s right
for my children, and I worry about whether their spouses put them first.”
So mothers-in-law should worry
less and wives should be more submissive.


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