He Wants Space & You Want Him! Time To Breathe & Tell Him How You Feel Before He Takes His Time Away!
If a man has recently told you that he wants space from you and the relationship, I know how you feel. I’ve had a few friends in a dating relationship with men who have taken space. Sometimes it seems like a man is 100%
devoted to dating you and then, all of a sudden, out of the blue, he want space, and they were heartbroken and shocked each time this happened to them.
Now it’s time for you to soothe your heartaches and worry. It’s time
for you to reclaim your life and find your grounding so that you don’t
reach out to him and you don’t fall into a well of darkness and low
self-esteem like people did countless times before in the past.
What To Tell Him When He Wants Space
When he wants space, you have to give him space. You have to respect his wishes and his needs. It doesn’t mean you have to like that he wants space.
So, how do you respect his desire for distance while still being
honest about your feelings? It’s simple. You tell him how you feel.
Do you feel worried that he’ll never come back? Tell him. Do you
feel angry that he “slapped” you with this from what seems like left
field? Tell him. Do you doubt whether you want to stay with him if he
does come back? Tell him. Are you worried that you did something wrong
that caused him to claim he wants space? Tell him.
Tell him everything you feel—all of it is safe to say; he won’t run further away.
When you talk to him after he wants space, you have to have grounded energy.
You have to resist the urge to pull him toward you. Practice planting
your feet in the ground and imagining that there are roots coming out of
the earth, climbing up your legs.
Imagine that these roots are filled with loving, soothing, calming
and comforting “soul food” that nurture you as if you are part of the
plant. So every time you feel the inclination to beg him, plead to him,
cry to him, or even to shut down and wall off—I want you to use this
image to help you stay openhearted and still in one place. Make it so
that he can come and go and you aren’t going to interfere by chasing him
or pushing him away.
It’s like raising a child. When you sit back and
let the child come to you and tell the child that you are there for him
when and if he needs you, he will come closer and closer. When you are
an overbearing caretaker (or a neglecting one), the child develops an
insecure attachment with you. He also can feel unsafe with you—that you
are a burden to him emotionally because you are so overbearing.
Be the kind of mother who is available and “at peace” in her heart
when you are talking with your man. Feel secure in your attachment to
the earth so that you don’t fall victim to panicking about losing him.
The Specific Words You Use When Talking To Him
When you speak with him you have to not only stay grounded and
unwavering in your ability to let him come and go without your
interference, you also have to use words that he can hear—words that are
effective at communicating your TRUTH.
Stick to talking about your feelings. You can talk about your feelings for
him and your feelings surrounding the fact that he wants space. You
should avoid blame and any words that negate his need for space.
Do say things like:
I love you and I’m sorry if I hurt you.
I appreciate our relationship and I do care about your feelings.
I will miss you during this time but I want to respect your wishes.
Right now I am angry, confused, sad, pissed, going crazy inside, etc.
I don’t know if I can wait for you but I think I’ll try.
I am scared that you are going to leave for good but I will be okay no matter what.
Don’t say things like:
You can’t do this to me!
Fine! Well then, I don’t want to be with you anymore! (when you do)
You are an a**hole, a commitment phobic jerk, an emotionally unavailable piece of ****, etc.
I won’t be okay if you leave me.
Once He’s Taken Space, You Have To Back Off
When he wants space, it’s time for you to refocus your energy on the
parts of your life that have been neglected because of this dating
relationship. What are you passions outside of him? Who are your friends and family members whom you haven’t seen in a while?
Dust off all the part of you that have been set aside because of the relationship.
Do the very best to take care of yourself at this time. Take one day
at a time and be very tender, loving, easy and forgiving with yourself.
Try to see his space as a time to self-reflect. What are the issues that you bring to a relationship that need some altering:
Are you too needy?
Do you commit yourself to guys too soon?
Do you pick the wrong guys?
Are you susceptible to being treated like a doormat?
Do you struggle with sticking up for yourself with men?
Do you have issues with knowing your personal boundaries?
Are you unable to be receptive and available when a man is emotionally available?
Are you brimming with uncontained, hostile emotion that is scary for a man?
Don’t Beat Yourself Up
Like I said—be gentle with yourself when he wants space. However,
take the focus off wondering and worrying about him and about how he
reacted to you and how he might need something else than what you offer,
and instead ask yourself if you are happy with the way you’ve acted in the relationship.
Don’t Allow Yourself To Be A Victim When He Wants Space
If you feel like his need for a space is triggering some abandonment issues inside you, it’s time to face
those issues. Telling yourself things like; “I can’t live without him”
and “I feel like I’m worthless now that he’s left” are somewhat normal
feelings but too much of that thinking is very unhealthy!
Sometimes when he wants space, we start to romanticize the relationship and our feelings for him grow
and grow the more he hurts us and ignores us. Be sure not to start
marinating in the pain of his unavailability. Make sure not to be
giving him more love and attention (even if it’s just in your mind) when
he is distant than when he is available.
Some women have issues with this. They actually only get really “hooked” on the guy when he is pulling back. If you notice that you are giving far more attention to a man when he is drifting away from you than when he is available and eager to show you love and affection, you have to face the fact that you may have issues with intimacy.