Love And Divorce: I Knew He Was A Wrong Choice For Me, But I Married Him Anyway- Part 1

53

Bad was mingled with good, hurt intertwined with love.

Years
went by, our children came and grew and life seemed normal. But normal in my
marriage wasn’t normal at all. My husband never laid a hand on me, but I was
terrified of him. His words and eyes cut me deeper and did more damage than his
fists ever could have. Physical wounds would have healed much sooner than the
gaping cuts my heart walked around with. Maybe if he could have seen that I was
battered and bleeding inside, he wouldn’t have repeatedly demanded that I “just
get over it.”
Even when things
were great between us, I was acutely aware that it all could go south in a
heartbeat. I walked on eggshells all day, every day. The ache in my heart was
constant. I cried more than I care to remember. All I had ever wanted out of
life was to be married and have kids. I used to think, I guess I
got my wish, but this is not what I had in mind.

On the outside, my marriage
looked fine.

My kids were
happy, and I was smiling. I wanted to be okay, so I acted like I was okay. Only
God knew I was going through hell. No one at church knew, not even my family. I
was completely isolated. I was a genius at covering up my pain. Survival mode
said, “Preserve
the marriage; protect the kids,
” and I did.
I
was then and am now deeply in love with Jesus. I love my kids dearly. They’re
so great, and I love being a mom. I loved being married in spite of the junk. I
was happy in spite of living in fear every day. I was full of joy and yet
hopelessly sad. I didn’t want a divorce, I only wanted my husband to stop
treating me so terribly. I wanted him to trust me. I wanted him to believe in
me. To see into my heart and know that I truly loved him. To know that all my
heart was for my family.

I
was desperate for him to know, once and for all, that the affairs he imagined
in his mind never happened, and that his suspicions were unwarranted. I wanted
him to stop taking back his apology with the next accusation. I wanted him to
be the good man that I knew he could be.

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