I have a troubling issue on my mind and I hope you/your readers would be able to shed light on it. I know it’s Christmas season but I’m bothered with an aspect of my relationship.
My Boyfriend and Pornography
My boyfriend has been addicted to pornography since 1999, about 14 years before he met me. We have dated for about 2 years now and unfortunately he is still hooked to pornography. Yes, he tells me the frequency has drastically reduced from a daily basis to a once a month affair. I do not keep count or care about frequency, but all I know is that I feel inadequate any time I hear the word ‘porn.’
He is upfront with me and actually lets me know whenever he has viewed porn and masturbated to it. He is not letting me know to spite me but letting me know in agony, so I could help him. I was OK with being his accountability partner but recently it got too much for me to handle. Trust me hearing about your spouse, who you want to spend the rest of your life with, ogling other women is painful. I don’t understand how I can trust him. He uses porn to fill a void in his life. For example when he is depressed, the next thing is porn.
He is a charming guy and super intelligent. He is the most intelligent man I’ve ever met which baffles me as to why he can’t see the devastating effect porn will have on our family if he continues. He can’t see it. It’s almost like he is blind to it. He is also spiritual but I think his spirituality is hypocrisy, because I don’t get how you can be spiritual and still be checking porn.
I am hoping he will get out of it because he is one of those men with every other thing right apart from this.
He tells me he loves me but can someone love you and still check pornography. He feels entitled to have me understand him. He is someone who tries to form principles everywhere and when we started dating he really grilled me because of my former hopeless relationships with useless exes. We’ve moved past all that, but when he looks at porn, he imagines me in it and my exes and that takes him in depression mood which leads him back to porn again. A destructive cycle. He is a smart man but this is getting beyond me because I don’t understand. I hope he could just understand what it feels like on my side. I hope he could have more empathy. I hope he could know that if this does not stop I will leave.
We have a full disclosure understanding in our relationship. There is no hiding anything past, present, future. Tell it as it is. Whenever he checks porn, he tells me about it. I try to be strong and he professes his love for me, we pray and we are back together. He does it again and the same thing happens, again, again, again. After about 150 (I’m not keeping count) times, is it possible for me to be able to still be strong for him? Is it possible for me to respect or trust him? Is it possible for me to kiss him? How do I tell that when he is kissing me he is not imagining some random porn actress?
I really want this to work but any time he tells me about porn it feels like a stab in the back and it feels like cheating or practicing to cheat. I can’t ever imagine looking at porn while in a relationship. This is something that if I did, he will make a tantrum out of. I have even thought of doing it so he can know what it feels like. It hurts when someone you love is checking out thousands of naked photoshopped bodies on the internet. HOW AM I TO COMPETE WITH THAT?
I don’t get it but sincerely I can’t stay with him if this porn does not go away. I’m sorry I can’t. If that happens, this will be the worst heartbreak because this guy is what any woman will dream about (it’s just the porn aspect that is messing it whole up and unfortunately porn cascades into everything else messing and crushing everything else up).
We have spoken countless times on how to be free from pornography. We have read books on porn freedom together. We have prayed together about freedom. The only improvement I see is that the frequency has reduced but it still hurts badly. It’s about 2 years in our relationship but I can’t commit if porn is still an issue. I can’t say ‘yes’. I can’t say ‘I do’ if porn is still there.
I know the world is not helping with all this pornified music videos and advertisements but I believe he should be able to overcome the temptations.
2016 is coming in a few days. I can’t deal with this in 2016.
If anyone here has dealt with this before, can you tell me how you both resolved it.